How to Be Confident at Doing Anything - Building Confidence and Self-Esteem Guide

As a university lecturer I was responsible for the personal guidance of a large number of students.  Many of them would come to talk to me about their hopes and fears, and as I mentioned at the beginning of the book, quite a few of them shared their personal struggles with anxiety with me. However, there was always one type of task that seemed to strike fear into nearly all students, even the most capable and seemingly confident ones – the dreaded class presentation. Any task or assessment that involved standing up in front of the class and presenting, be it as individual or as part of a group, caused high levels of panic amongst many in the class.

I’m Just Not a Confident Person

A phrase I would often hear when students talked to me individually was ‘I’m just not a very confident person.’ Many people tend to say this when faced with a situation or task they are uncomfortable about, but people forget there are many things they are very confident at doing, but take this confidence for granted.

To help students get over the belief they’re not very confident people, I would ask them to write a list of skills or tasks they were confident at doing, however simple. Sometimes they would stare at the blank piece of paper and say they couldn’t think of anything. So I’d ask them if they were confident at walking. If so, they had to put it down on the list.  Then I’d name more skills, such as eating, driving, catching a ball, climbing a ladder, handwriting, gaming, etc. Then we’d go through their list and I’d explain they weren’t always confident at doing these things, but because they’d done them so many times, they take them for granted. So a universal or general lack of confidence isn’t normally the issue; we tend to lack confidence in specific activities and certain areas of life.

WHY DO WE LACK SPECIFIC CONFIDENCE?

There are a number of reasons that lie behind our anxiety about trying something new or tackling something uncomfortable. We normally lack the confidence in our ability to do something due to one or a combination of the following:

• We lack the expertise or skills required: If we haven't got the skills to do something it wouldn’t be natural to feel confident about doing it. I’ve never ridden a motorcycle before, so do you think it would be reasonable of me to feel confident about riding one?

• We lack experience: If we have little or no experience of doing something, then we can’t expect to be confident about it. You may be able to sing well, but if you’ve never sung in front of a huge audience before, you’re not likely to feel confident about doing it.

• We have unreasonable aspirations: We often have unreasonable expectations that are difficult to fulfil if we are trying something new, or have to do it in a challenging situation. We all get caught up in this type of perfectionism at times, that we shouldn’t do it unless we are excellent at it, or at least extremely competent. This often stops us from doing something before we’ve even tried.

• We engage in extreme self-criticism: The human mind has a natural tendency to judge itself harshly: to criticise, to look for the negative, and predict the worst. This is just a normal human mind at work – the troublesome brain we discussed in the first section. It reminds us of negative stories from the past, creates gloomy future forecasts, and puts us off trying something before we’ve even started. It keeps us focused on what’s wrong with us, makes us afraid of failure, and causes us to give up more easily. It makes us less resilient in the face of challenges and therefore less likely to learn from mistakes.

• We focus on fear: We may be afraid of failing, of being embarrassed, of rejection, of others laughing at us, or of fear itself. However, as we discussed earlier, fear in itself does not affect our performance, but focusing on the fear does. The more we focus on our fear the more it is likely to undermine our confidence.

The Confidence Cycle

So how do we overcome all of these barriers, build confidence, and become good at doing something? Well there are no magic bullets and no shortcuts; a hypnotic trance won’t help us, and neither will attending a weekend ‘Super Confidence’ workshop. Sure, we can psych ourselves up and feel good about doing something for a short while, but the effect won’t last long, especially when we step outside of   our comfort zone and into the real world.

However, the good news is we can feel confident about, and be good at, doing almost anything. We’ve done it countless times before – when we learned to walk, talk, eat, tell the time – all the way through to operating a computer and driving a car. We’re going to follow the same process now; using what is called in ACT, The Confidence Cycle.

Dr. Russ Harris, a world-renowned ACT trainer, outlines the four steps of the confidence cycle in his book The Confidence Gap.30 I’ve always considered a more appropriate name for the process could be ‘The Learning Cycle’, because it’s a process for learning news skills and teaching yourself to be able to perform them in challenging situations. It is only after we are able to do this we can truly feel confident.

The Confidence Cycle is also a reminder of how important a growth mindset is. We become good at something, and confident at doing it, by practising it, and not because we were born with a special gift or disposition. Our abilities and skills aren’t fixed – we become experts in, or competent at, the things we practise.

1. PRACTISE THE SKILLS

If we want to get good at anything and feel confident about it, we need to practise – whether it’s public speaking, painting, or playing the guitar. Keeping this in mind helps us to overcome the mental barriers to practice – the things that stop us from starting to learn, or force us to give up relatively quickly. These mental barriers include: feeling anxious or fearful, the desire to give up when progress is slow, and the tendency to quit after an initial failure, perfectionism, or extreme self-criticism. So whenever you’re practising a new skill and come up against one of those mental barriers, accept what you’re feeling is normal, but understand persevering will help you to get past that barrier and on the road to confidently performing a new skill.

2. APPLY THEM EFFECTIVELY

Practising the skills is important, and it’s the place we must start at, but we need to do more than that if we want to feel confident about doing something well. We also need to step out of our comfort zone and apply our practised skills effectively – into real life challenging situations.

After putting their presentations together and practising in their own rooms, I always used to give my students the opportunity to practise in front of other students in purposely arranged sessions. Those who practised in front of others nearly always performed better in the real presentation assessment. As we’ve learned, leaving our comfort zone makes us feel uncomfortable, so we need to practise our skills in real life uncomfortable situations. By doing this we can learn to focus on what we are doing rather than getting caught up in our thoughts and feelings. This is called Task Focused Attention; and applying the mindfulness skills we’ve outlined in the previous chapters – defusion, expansion, and engagement – will help us to do this. We need to think of uncomfortable and challenging situations as an opportunity to learn.

3. ASSESS THE RESULTS

After applying our skills in a challenging situation, rather than burying our heads in the sand, we need to reflect on the results. We need to consider what did and didn’t work, and what could we do differently the next time to improve our performance. There are some key points we need to keep in mind when reflecting on our performance:

• Firstly, it’s important we reflect in a non-judgemental way, and remember we are in the process of learning. So we should avoid being extremely self-critical. Harsh self-judgement is rarely helpful and often pushes us in the direction of quitting; discouraging us from learning further. When we were toddlers learning to walk, if we stumbled and fell, we didn’t think ‘Well, I’m not doing that again, I felt like a right idiot! I’ll never be able to walk properly.’ So when you assess the results, always keep in mind that learning is a process, and be compassionate and encouraging in your self-reflection. Self-compassion increases motivation and willpower, brings greater perspective, and boosts decision making. This all makes us more resilient – making it easier to bounce back in the face of failure and learn from mistakes.

• Secondly, avoid comparing yourself to others, especially when assessing your results. It’s helpful to have an expert training or teaching you, someone with a higher skill level, but look only at how you can improve against your own performance. If you do start comparing yourself to others, use the defusion, expansion, and engagement skills, and focus compassionately on your own results. It’s fine to aspire to those who perform the activity better than you, but too much emphasis on the performance of others during the learning stage can have a negative impact on motivation.

4. MODIFY AS NEEDED

The next step is to modify what you are doing. Do more of what is working well and change or modify what isn’t going well. During the presentation practice sessions I arranged at the university, I would instruct the students in my class to write down a list of what went well and what didn’t go so well, and how they could improve. It’s the only way to develop and get better. As Einstein famously said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

After you have modified what you are doing, you repeat the cycle until you get good at what you’re trying to learn. Confidence will follow. The actions of confidence come first, the feelings of confidence come second.

Visualisation

Before introducing visualisation, I want to make it clear that when attempting to overcome anxiety and build confidence in specific activities, tasks, or areas of life, there is no substitute for real life practice. However, visualisation can be a very powerful additional tool when used correctly.

Visualisation is sometimes called imagery, mental rehearsal, or mental practice, and it refers to the creating or recreating of an experience in the mind. The process involves constructing or recalling from memory, pieces of information stored from experience, and shaping these pieces into meaningful images. It is like playing a film in your mind of a goal, activity, or task you intend to undertake. As an example, a tennis player might use visualisation by mentally rehearsing their serve in detail before playing match, or visualising a previously effective and winning performance before going on court.

MRI scans have indicated the brain doesn’t distinguish between an imagined and an actual experience, so preparing for a challenge using visualisation can be a very useful tool to use before stepping out and practising learned skills in the real world. Let’s look more closely at how visualisation can be used in conjunction with the confidence cycle.

1. Visualising future success: Visualising what success looks like can motivate us to start and continue the work of practising skills. Imagining a successful end goal can keep us in touch with our values, while also helping to keep us motivated when problems arise, things get difficult, or life is uncomfortable. It can also be a tool to keep us focused on where we are heading and why, clarifying our objectives.

When I went through difficulties during the writing of my PhD thesis, I often visualised what completing the PhD would look like for me, the career opportunities it would bring, and the security it would provide for my family. I’d try to picture how that would look and feel. In particularly uncomfortable times I would visualise myself on the stage at graduation, shaking the hand of the vice-chancellor as I received my certificate, and I’d imagine my completed and bound PhD thesis on a shelf in my office.

2. Visualising challenges: Mentally imagining the step-by-step process of a challenging future task or activity has a number of benefits. As we said, the brain can’t tell the difference between a real and imagined experience, so going through a challenging task in detail can be excellent preparation.

Welsh rugby union player Leigh Halfpenny would often prepare for his goal-kicking by spending time visualising the process in his hotel room before the game; imagining the crowd, the tension, various kicking distances and angles, going through every single motion he would do for a real kick.31 I would often do the same before important talks or lectures I had to deliver (not as glamorous as kicking the winning points for Wales, I know). If possible, I would go to the actual room of the talk some hours, days, or weeks beforehand so I could see the exact environment, and I’d imagine how it would feel full of people. If I didn’t have access to the room or hall, I’d try to find photos of it online. Often before interviews or talks I’d check how the street and building looked on Google Maps, and imagine walking into the building in preparation.    

Visualising challenges in this way can also prepare us for mistakes, or things going wrong. The Olympic record holding swimmer, Michael Phelps, often visualised his goggles filling with water, a competitor doing better than expected, or losing count of his strokes, and would then go through the process of how he would react, training himself to think clearly under pressure. His visualised scenarios sometimes came true and as he had already rehearsed them in his mind, he was able to deal with them calmly and effectively.32 We can use this same technique in various challenging and anxiety-inducing contexts; including public speaking, job interviews, difficult conversations, and physical challenges.

3. Visualising past successes: When feeling anxious about an upcoming difficult situation, activity, or challenge, it can also be beneficial to put them into context and get a more realistic perspective by recalling previously similar challenges you may have overcome in the past. As an academic I sometimes had to do live media interviews and often found myself turning down opportunities to discuss my research on radio or television out of fear of making a mistake or embarrassing myself. However, at this point I had done some good live interviews, so in preparation for media appointments I’d remind myself I’d successfully come through challenges like this in the past, visualising the process. I’d also recall and visualise other challenges I’d overcome in areas of life that weren’t related to speaking to the media, but reminded me I had been resilient and resourceful before.

Beyond visualisation: Research has suggested it can be even more beneficial to go beyond just visualising the process before practising in a challenging environment. Individuals and groups that not only visualised a challenge, but also wrote down their objectives, explained to others what they intended to do, and wrote a weekly progress report, were more successful in meeting their objectives than those who didn’t. Each added incremental step increased the likelihood of a successful outcome.

Also, as described earlier, visiting a place or venue, if relevant and appropriate, where the challenge or task will take place can be beneficial, and being able to physically practise in that environment can help further. Try to add to the visualisation in as many practical ways as possible. If you are required to wear formal clothes for a talk, visualise and practise it wearing formal clothes. Students taking one of the courses I taught had to do their assessed presentations in formal suits, so I would always allow them to book time in the room that would be used for the assessment, in order for them to at least look around, and practise if they wished. I also encouraged them to dress in the clothes they would be wearing on the day of the presentation, both when practising at home and at the venue.  Try to make the visualisations and practice as real as possible.

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Knowing how we can use different skills and strategies in order to become unstuck or take action is very useful, but in order for us to really grasp them and experience their power, we need to apply them. Then, when we really need to use them, we will have more confidence in our ability to put them into practice and take positive action. So in the next chapter we’re going to start taking action and applying the skills we’ve learned by completing a project.

The Fear Project

The ultimate aims of this book are to help you overcome anxiety and live with courage. These may seem like huge lofty goals, almost unreachable, but hopefully, as you’ve been going through the book and trying out the exercises, you’ve been recognising the thinking and behaviours that make you anxious, and discovering new ones that have a positive influence. 

People often think of anxious people as being unambitious, wanting to lead a quiet life, or as not being very motivated, but the truth is most of them are too motivated. Ask them what they want to do and they’ll say, ‘I should get this entire house cleaned up today.’ or, ‘I should start exercising every day.’ ‘I need to start making all my own meals from scratch.’ ‘I want a job I love.’ ‘I’d like to travel and experience new places.’

Sometimes the goals we automatically select, without thinking, are so great we cannot possibly do them, or at least not in the timeframe we imagine. We get discouraged before we’ve even really started. This is because massive change feels overwhelming. The challenge of the project in this chapter is to let go of the idea you’re going to change your entire life all at once, but understand you can start to take action bit-by-bit, using small incremental steps.

To encourage anxious students to use the skills, strategies, and exercises we’ve discussed in this book, I often gave them a project to do. The project helped them to practically apply what they had learned, while also making them accountable, but was also designed to be small, manageable, and not too overwhelming.

I wanted to create an evidence based, step-by-step process, that gave them the courage and motivation to work on and overcome their fears, reconstruct their beliefs, change their mindset, and create an understanding that anxiety and fear need not hold them back. After leaving my post at the university I began developing an online course to help people manage anxiety and fear, and started to work with other organisations and individuals. The student-specific project was then developed to become more inclusive and became known as ‘The Fear Project’.
 

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Exercise: The Fear Project

The aim of the fear project is to help you to start moving out of your comfort zone. To tackle some of the small challenges you are facing right now. To begin to take action and get things done, even if these things seem very minor. Beginning with small, manageable behaviours will also allow you to gain momentum, build confidence, create self-belief, and develop a growth mindset: nurturing the belief that you can change your behaviour and the way you respond to anxiety.

It’s easy to read through a book like this, maybe try a few exercises, but then put it down and get distracted by responsibilities, chores, tasks, and work; and go no further. Getting started is key.

Step 1 – Consider your fear list

To start the process we’re going to create a ‘Fear List’. This is a list of tasks or activities that can be divided into two categories. The first category should include some minor tasks or activities you’ve been avoiding because you’re fearful of doing them – tasks that just need to be done and are never going away – we’ll call these ‘Avoidance Tasks’.

The second category should comprise of tasks or activities you’d love to be able to do, that create a sense of excitement and inspiration within you, but you've felt unable to do for fearing you may fail, be embarrassed, or haven’t had the confidence to try. We’ll call these ‘Inspirational Tasks’.

Step 2 – Write the list down

Using a table like the one below, take some time to carefully think about what you’d like to include on your list, then write your choices down, and set a date you can realistically complete these tasks by.  When I did my first ‘Fear List’ I included some avoidance tasks that may seem very minor to others, but caused me quite a lot of anxiety (you may see a pattern of the type of activities that made me anxious): calling the dentist to make an appointment, contacting an electrician to fix house lights that had been broken for over a year, booking a service for my car. Similarly, some of the inspirational tasks may not seem very inspirational or anxiety-inducing to many people, but what is most important is how inspirational or anxiety-inducing you find them. 

Step 3 – Remembering your best self

At this stage it would be beneficial to look over ‘Foundational Exercise 1: Who are you?’ in  Chapter 5 of the book. Remember, research suggests when we affirm our most deeply held values — the best parts of our authentic selves – before entering into a potentially challenging or difficult situation, we can reduce our anxiety and be more effective in our behaviour. So going over the core values we wrote about in this exercise will help us to draw strength from who we are before we start to take action.

Step 4 –Take action and tackle your fear list

When you start to tackle your Fear List it’s likely you’re going to have some unhelpful thoughts and uncomfortable feelings. Remember, you need to defuse from unhelpful thoughts, and make room for any uncomfortable feelings that come up, and then engage with the present. The actions of confidence come first and the feelings of confidence come second. Accept, welcome, and then if possible, use your fear (or just allow it to be there).

If you’re lacking any skills to do your tasks, just go through the confidence cycle until you’re able to complete your task successfully. Go back through the exercises throughout the book to help you. Remember, these are just small tasks, they should be manageable. You won’t necessarily require all the skills and techniques we have learned to complete these activities, but the exercise should give you the momentum and motivation to move forward and not to allow anxiety to keep you stuck. Don’t be afraid to start very small and unambitiously.

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Help! I’m Stuck!: Troubleshooting The Fear Project

What if you feel stuck and unable to complete one, some, or all of the tasks in The Fear Project? What holds us back from doing something we’d really like to do, or from doing uncomfortable things we don’t like, but need to do, often making a situation much worse? There are three common reasons, and we’ve discussed these reasons before.

1. Fusing with our thoughts: the mind hooks us with its thoughts and stories and we get lost in them. These thoughts aren’t a problem when we’re defused from them, but when we fuse with them they become obstacles.

Antidote: Defusion. Next time you’re stuck, ask yourself, ‘What am I fusing with? You can notice it, name it and neutralise it, using one of the defusion exercises outlined in Chapter 7, and then engage fully in what you are doing.

2. Excessive goals: if a goal exceeds our resources we will fail. So ask yourself if you’re trying to do too much too soon. It’s good to dream big, but you also have to be realistic to avoid getting discouraged.

Antidote: Set realistic goals. If a goal exceeds your resources then you have two options:

Firstly, you can pause the original goal and set a new goal to find the necessary resources. If your original goal was to leave your job for a job you love, but you’re not qualified to do the job you love, you could set a new goal aimed at earning the necessary qualifications or skills.

Secondly, you could scale down your original goal to a goal that fits the resources you have available. So if you are aiming for a new job, what other job could you do with your current experience, knowledge, and qualifications?

3. Avoiding discomfort: when you step outside of your comfort zone, what happens? You feel discomfort. If you’re waiting for your discomfort to go, or not making room for it, you may be waiting a long time. Ask yourself, what thoughts and feelings am I trying to avoid or get rid of?

Antidote: Accept discomfort. Are you willing to make room for the discomfort when you step outside of your comfort zone, and for the difficult emotions and sensations that will arise? Choosing to grow and explore new horizons may bring about many fears, but the alternative is stagnation and personal cost. Accepting the discomfort will also bring a new sense of meaning, purpose, and personal growth.
 

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So, getting unstuck will involve defusion, expansion, and engagement, along with overcoming your fear, and if new skills are needed, using the confidence cycle.

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