Getting to Know Yourself With Anxiety

This chapter is the start of the practical journey this book will take you on. It’s about considering and understanding who you are, assessing how balanced your life is, and preparing you to make changes. Although you may be keen to start tackling anxious thoughts and feelings immediately, it’s important you first build a foundation that will hold you steady when faced with the challenge of changing your relationship with your anxiety and taking action. The exercises in this chapter are about taking a step back and assessing who you really are, how you live your life, and considering if you could change it for the better.

Who Are You?

Research suggests when we affirm our most deeply held values — the best parts of our authentic selves – before entering into a potentially threatening or challenging situation, we can reduce our anxiety, become less defensive, and more open and authentic in our behaviour. By spending a little time reflecting on, and perhaps writing about, who we think we are, we can reduce our hormonal anxiety and be more present and effective in challenging environments.  The studies have shown that when people write about their authentic selves before entering a potentially anxious situation, they go on to have significantly lower levels of cortisol – a hormone we release when we feel under stress – than people who don’t.

This is not about psyching ourselves up and exclaiming ‘I’m the best!’ or ‘I’m a winner!’ in the way we traditionally think about expressing positive affirmations. It’s more about appreciating our best selves emerge when we have full access to our values, traits, and strengths, and know we can express them through our actions. In other words, it’s understanding who we truly are and having the confidence to be authentic. These types of affirmations help us to believe in and clarify our own stories. This allows us to trust who we are will come through naturally in what we say and do.

In the middle of writing this chapter, while on one of my daily dog walks, I listened to a podcast presented by the rapper Scroobious Pip (real name David Meads), in which he interviewed the author Jon Ronson. They were both talking about their experiences with anxiety (Ronson has written in great detail about his paralysing levels of anxiety), and Scroobious Pip remarked he had lost confidence when a relationship ended out of the blue. He described how, during this period of anxiety, he spent a week writing and recording a song (that wasn’t released commercially). Pip explained how this process reminded him of who he really is, and what his values and strengths are. He said the project helped him to recover his confidence. This is what we are going to do in the following exercise; remind ourselves of who we really are, what we value, and what is important to us.

It’s important we don’t just reflect on our values without taking practical steps to try to fully understand them. We can do this by writing about them. Writing is a powerful exercise because it serves to clarify our thoughts and feelings in a way reflection alone is unable to. In the act of writing, ideas emerge and are shaped, and this gives us a clearer understanding of who we are.

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Foundational Exercise 1: Who Are You?

Step 1
Below is a list of common core values. Choose one or two values you feel are most central to your identity, closest to the core of who you are. The list is just to help you reflect, so you don’t have to choose from the list if you know of values you possess that aren’t listed. 

Dependable

Loyal

Efficient

Inspiring

Reliable

Committed

Adventurous

Passionate

Serving
Creative

Motivated

Respectful

Consistent

Humorous

Positive

Hardworking

Honest

Witty

Respected

Educated

Loving

Fit

Courageous

Fun-loving

Innovative

Open-minded

Kind

Athletic

Optimistic

Nurturing

Core value 1: _____________

Core value 2:_____________

Step 2

Then, write a short note on why these values are important to you and a particular time when they proved to be important. A person who deeply values being humorous might write:

“Being funny around others is  important to me. I believe we all would be better off if we sometimes took life a bit less seriously. I really enjoy making people laugh, it makes me feel good and it comes easily to me. I remember being out with my colleagues from work and we had all been really stressed, but I managed to find humour in how difficult things were at the time and we all ended up laughing. It really broke the ice and we had a great night.”

(Core value 1)   is important to me because:

(Core value 1)   proved to be important when:

(Core value 2)   is important to me because:

(Core value 2)   proved to be important when:

Notice you only need to affirm your personal core values —not values or abilities relevant to any specific task you need to do, or any challenge you are facing. So for example, if you have an up and coming job interview, don’t try to convince yourself you’ll be successful at the job interview by choosing values you think are related to the interview or job. The key to this exercise working is knowing who you are and being comfortable and assured with that.

I’d suggest repeating this exercise every so often, especially when you’re facing an anxious situation or challenge. You could also try a more creative way of reflecting on your core values and strengths, by undertaking a project or task you feel expresses who you really are, much like Scroobious Pip did in the example I described above.

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WHAT IF I DON’T LIKE MY VALUES OR WANT TO CHANGE THEM?

Being unsure of our values, or feeling we don’t like them, is a good indication that our true values are the ones we would like to have – the values we aspire to. Just because we currently don’t behave in a way that is consistent to those values doesn’t mean we don’t hold them or can’t develop them. They are hidden and need uncovering. If this is the case for you, when you try the exercise above, choose the values you would like to have – the ones that make you the type of person you would like to be.

If you’re still struggling to discover your true values, it may be helpful to heed the advice of Warren Buffett, one the world’s most generous philanthropists, and a very successful businessman. When addressing Seattle college students in 1998, Buffett suggested in order to nurture successful values and habits, the students should look to role models.

He told them if they wanted to live a purposeful and successful life, they should think of the person they admired the most, write down what it is they admire about them, and then aim to emulate their values and qualities. He also suggested the students should bring to mind a person they can stand the least, write down the qualities and values that turn them off that person, and avoid practising them at all costs.  Buffet’s message tells us that with awareness, intention, and practice, we can develop the values, qualities, and habits of those we admire, and avoid the ones of those we dislike.

Avoiding Exhaustion and Increasing Energy

When things get busy and we’re not leading a balanced life, we often tend to let go of the things or activities that nourish us, and instead focus on what seems more important or pressing at the time. However, without the things that nourish us, stress increases and we give up more and more of the activities that replenish us. When this happens we’re only left with work, chores, difficult challenges, or other stressors that really deplete our resources, and we can become exhausted or burnt out. Our lives become narrow and we get stuck in, what stress researchers call, an exhaustion funnel.17 It’s easy to get sucked into this process because we often have pressing demands, and when we do, the more pleasurable things in life tend to seem optional and are easier to give up.

However, despite feeling like we have no choice, we simply have too much to do, or we don’t have the energy to do other things, it is vital we balance our lives during these times, or at the very least spend time on activities that nourish us. Although it may feel counterintuitive at the time, in order to do the other things well and to maintain our energy, we need to make time for replenishment and nourishment. This will give us the extra time, energy, and perspective needed for the challenging parts of our lives.

If you’re unconvinced that balancing your life, resting, and doing things that nourish you is a good idea during busy periods, I’d like to point you in the direction of some research demonstrating why a balanced life is both more enjoyable and productive.

Firstly, scientific evidence has emphasised rest aids decision making.  Research by Dutch psychologist Ap Dijksterhuis (I can’t pronounce it either), suggests actively trying to work through a number of decisions, particularly when tired, will lead to a worse outcome than going through all the relevant information and then taking a break, or moving on to something else.18 During rest periods, the subconscious mind is able to sift through lots information and this helps us to make clearer, more helpful decisions. Personally, some of my best ideas and most helpful decisions have come to me when I have been out walking my dog in the countryside, after periods of intense work.

Secondly, research has demonstrated rest replenishes our resources and helps us to work more effectively. Attention Restoration Theory (ART) – an area of academic research that investigates our ability to maintain attention over time – suggests concentration is limited and we can exhaust our supply of focused attention. When this happens we’re unable to work effectively or to concentrate properly.

Scientists involved in ART research suggest we should take regular breaks or switch activities when our attention is tiring. Particularly recommended is taking a break in nature. This is because there are normally less obstacles around in open spaces and therefore less decisions to be made, enabling us to switch off more completely.19  However, if taking a break in nature is not possible, we can still be more effective at stressful tasks just by ensuring we take the time to rest, or switch to an activity we enjoy, especially something that gives us a break from concentrating or focusing intensely.

Finally, work we do when tired or depleted tends to be of very low quality. Recent research has indicated we have a limited capacity to do work that is difficult and demanding, especially tasks that require our attentional resources  Studies have shown more often than not, the activities or work we do when we are feeling tired or depleted will be substandard, or at least certainly not our best work.

Additionally, trying to work when depleted often results in errors that have to be corrected at a later time, or completely redone. So staying up late to finish a report for work when feeling tired and depleted will often result in low quality work that has to be corrected or redone the following day. So when extremely busy, while we think we must keep on going, we cannot afford a break or the time to do an enjoyable activity, we can actually save time in the long-term by taking the time to nourish ourselves.

THE HIDDEN POWER OF MIRROR NEURONS: THE COMPANY YOU KEEP

When we’re considering activities and situations that nourish or deplete us we should also reflect on the impact our social relationships can have on us. In the late 1980s, by reaching for his lunch, an Italian academic made a remarkable and unexpected discovery about how the behaviours and emotions of others can directly impact on us.

Giacomo Rizzolatti and his colleagues had implanted electrodes into the brains of a number of macaque monkeys in order to study their brain activity while they performed various motor actions, including clutching food. One day, as a researcher reached for his own food while glancing at the feedback on his computer screen, he noticed neurons beginning to fire in the premotor cortex of one of the monkeys — the area that showed activity when the animals made a similar hand movement. How could this be happening when the monkey was just sitting still, not reaching out to grab food, but just watching him?

This accidental revelation led to the discovery of mirror neurons – a distinct class of brain cells that fire not only when an individual performs an action, but also when the individual observes someone else make the same movement. Further research into the workings of mirror neurons demonstrated that this effect goes beyond motor movement. We now know when we see someone else experiencing an emotion, whether it be positive or negative, our brain ‘tries out’ that same emotion to imagine what the other person is going through. It does this by trying to fire the same neural pathways in our own brains so we can attempt to relate to the emotion we’re observing.

This is the way in which we experience empathy and can get caught up in both the positive and negative emotions of others; from angry mob mentality, to the solidarity of grief during and after tragedies. It also means we are directly impacted by the attitudes and beliefs of those we spend most time with. So if we’re continually influenced by critical, cynical, fearful, and pessimistic attitudes, we’re continually firing those synapses in our brain, rewiring it towards anxiety, fear and pessimism; rather than peace, confidence and optimism.

So when we’re evaluating our lives and considering how best to balance the activities that nourish and deplete us, we should also take into consideration the company we keep and whether we can take steps to change this, and if not, consider what can we do to improve things. This is not to say we shouldn’t be there for friends who are having a hard time; those who need an empathetic ear or help to work through a difficult situation. I’m also not suggesting we can never be critical, or never talk about our anxiety, fears or worries; as positive change usually requires critical thought. Only that we should consider who we consistently spend time with and are influenced by.

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Foundational Exercise 2: Balancing Life

Step 1: List your daily activities
Draw a table like the one below, and in the lefthand column make a list of between 1 to 15 typical activities you do most weeks. Then state which ones nourish you by putting an N in the righthand column, and similarly which ones deplete you by putting a D in the righthand column.
 

By nourishing, we mean an activity that lifts your mood, gives you energy, or makes you feel calm and centred. By depleted we mean an activity that drains you, takes away your energy, and makes you feel tense. There are no right or wrong answers, what may be nourishing for you may be depleting for someone else and vice-versa. 

Typical Activities

1. E.g. Constantly checking my email (D)

2. E.g. Going for a walk (N)

3. E.g. Checking the news often (D)

4.

5.

6.

Step 2: Redress the balance
There may be some depleting activities you can immediately stop, eliminate, or do less of, and also some nourishing activities you can do more of. Go carefully through the list and make a note of those activities, both depleting and nourishing, that you can change. Don’t provide any detail of how you will do it at this stage, just put a mark next to the activity. You can also consider and make a note of any new activities you don’t currently do but know from past experience are nourishing for you.

What about unavoidable activities?

There will be some depleting activities you cannot change, especially not immediately (e.g. work, dealing with difficult housemates). If there are depleting activities on your list that are unavoidable, there are a few different approaches you can use:

• First of all, while you may not be able to completely avoid some depleting activities, you can try you best to nudge these depleting activities down, and the nourishing activities up. Some small, subtle changes, making the balance a little better. Think about ways you could do this.

• Secondly, you can try approaching the depleting activities in a different way. Instead of wishing them away, try being fully present with them, even if you find them boring or unpleasant. You don’t have to do this for all unavoidable depleting activities, but try doing it with some and see how you feel.

Step 3: Commit to the changes
Now it’s time for you to think about how to alter and commit to the changes that will improve your life balance. Write down five ways in which you can practically change things. Don’t worry if you can’t think of five straightaway, write down the others when they come to you at a later time.

It’s important that you focus on small, doable changes, not life changing activities. So don’t include, ‘Move to Hollywood’, ‘Run a marathon’, or ‘Marry Brad Pitt’, but focus on small changes, like the examples below. These small changes are a crucial part of the practice.

I will alter the balance of nourishing and depleting activities by...

1. E.g. Checking my emails only twice a day at 10am and 4pm

2. E.g. Going for a 15 minute walk during my lunch hour and 30 minute walk on the weekend

3. E.g. Checking the news once or twice a day only.

4.

5.

6.

 

At first, you may not be aware of what activities nourish or deplete you, so it may be a case of trial and error. Be aware of this and be open to having some of your preconceived ideas challenged.

We can often think some activities are enjoyable, but when we really consider how we feel after them, we realise they deplete us and vice-versa. For example, I used to build periods of internet surfing into my day because I thought I found it enjoyable and relaxing, but when I started to monitor and be aware of how I really felt during and after various activities, I realised it often left me feeling tired, unsettled, frustrated, and mildly anxious. Conversely, I used to think mowing my lawn was a depleting activity, but after some reflection, I realised it often left me with a feeling of satisfaction and had the effect of calming my mind.

Review your activity lists every so often, particularly if you start to feel life is becoming busy, stressful and unbalanced, and consider if you need to make any further changes.

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What we do with our time and how that affects our energy levels and mood is crucial to our mental wellbeing. Our energy levels have a huge impact on the way we feel, how well we can handle our emotions, how prepared we feel for challenges, and how effectively we can perform a number of tasks and activities.  So it’s vital these foundations are in place when we are making changes to our lives.

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Next we will look at some exercises that calm the mind and help us to understand our thinking patterns more clearly, enabling us to make better decisions and feel more rested and peaceful.